Top 25 Profile Clichés That Drive Me Crazy

We all do it. My own profiles go through much iteration. I hit the character cap with clever and witty dialog, but then no one reads it all. So then I cut it down, and then no one is interested. But this is about those maddening and all too common profile clichés which just prove that the writer is lazy, or doesn't care how they come off. For the sake of this post, I'm only focusing on female profiles, because I do not study male profiles . . . for what should be obvious reasons.

 

These are the top issues that make me cringe. They are in no particular order of importance. If your profile contains one or two that's one thing, but if you are guilty of MOST of these things, you should strongly consider taking some time to update your profile. Online dating requires a lot of dedication to make work. We are presenting ourselves on only two planes; the flat, motionless capture of a photograph, which works better for some than others ( I am told I am much better looking in person, and that I do not photograph well - but you have to be willing to get to that point to find out ), and the words we choose to express ourselves.

To that end, sites such as okc have developed guiding sections to get us started. Some of these sections are worded a particular way. If your answer is not indicative of your true imagination, how are we supposed to know anything about you?

Let's look at some of these issues, divided by the sections in which they appear, in order:

My Self-Summary

1 - Anything to the effect of "I've never tried this online dating thing before".

First, this information is not endearing. You are, in a subtle way, denigrating those of us who have done this before. It's as if to say "online" dating is actually any different from the alternatives. Remember people, computers are just a tool to communicate. This is not "The Matrix". There IS NO CYBERSPACE! We're still the SAME people that we are in real life. This is a communication medium. When you go to a bar, are you not presenting a persona? Do you not get all dressed up, and put on a show for each guy you meet? Do you not laugh a little more, smile a little more, and generally behave differently than you would at home? Of course, you're trying to impress.

I myself never step foot in bars. Outside of that environment the vast majority of women are not in "meet a guy mode". So any endeavor to approach one is generally not well accepted. I do frequent malls, but you really can't "meet" someone at a mall. That's a very task oriented environment, where the acquisition of goods and hanging out with friends is the goal, not meeting a guy. Most girls are not receptive to this.

So, that leaves the internet. Again, if we make the web into more than it is, we begin to think of it as a virtual world itself. It is not, that is only a perception, and an inaccurate one.

If you are 18 to 20, I might believe that you've never tried "internet dating" but then, even that's a stretch. I'm 32 and I was meeting girls online more than 15 years ago. This is NOT new technology.

Saying that you've never done this before does nothing to endear you to the reader, and is very off-putting. It also tells me that you may not know the many unique idiosyncrasies of online communication and will very likely be offended or simply not understand something I say. Textual communication carries with it a lot more negative connotation than speaking, lacking any contextual cues, and it's easy to get your feelings hurt. That's why we use emotes ---> : )

2 - "I don't really know how to describe myself".

Well then, why are you here? I see this one a LOT. I can describe myself. I do so in many more than a few words in my various profiles. I realize that not everyone is me, but take at least SOME time to think about this. If you can't describe yourself I may be forced to conclude one of a few things, none of them positive:

You are lazy - I have no wish to get to know a girl who is SO lazy she can't be bothered to tell us about herself upfront.

You are extremely vain - Do you think that your pictures will carry the whole thing? I promise you, even if you are the hottest girl I have EVER seen, if you're too lazy to describe yourself, you will become far too tedious for me to want to deal with quite quickly.

You are slightly retarded - Who honestly doesn't know themselves?

You are crazy - I wish I was kidding. A stretch sure, but unless you are clinically insane, you should know yourself well enough to present well online. Some of the best profiles I've seen are just a stream of consciousness, and are either very funny, or at least very telling of HOW a girl thinks.

On that point, you don't have to tell us ALL ABOUT you, in list form, which I'll get to in a second, but give us a look into *how* you think. Is there any intellect behind that pretty face? Show us.

3 - Description in List Form.

This one is becoming more common. The whole about me section, in list form.

I Like:

Stuff

Things

Music

Movies

My dog

Really? Wow. I like stuff and things too! I try never to include information about what I LIKE, because there is a section for that, and because it's so easy and trite. Do you really have NOTHING original to say, that you must resort to simply rattling off what you like?

Everyone LIKES things. Most of us like a lot of the SAME things. I myself, not a huge music fan, but I do know that MOST girls are HUGE music fans. A 12 page list of bands you like really doesn’t tell me anything about you except that maybe you don’t have enough going on in your own head that you need the distraction of a constant soundtrack.

Oops, lost a lot of you right there. That’s ok, we don’t need them anyway; they have nothing really going on internally. I can’t stand a lot of music going on all the time. I am always pondering, contemplating, and researching. I write a great deal of that down, and endless music is an unnecessary backgrounder to these intellectual activities.

4 – “I like going out, but I also like to stay in sometimes”

Wow, really? What are the other choices? This is a completely empty statement. Unless there is a choice of phasing into another dimension, I’m pretty sure that these are the only choices we have when it comes to our location. We could be in, or we could be out.

Now to use myself as an example again, because I never criticize without putting myself under the same microscope; I stay in almost the entire day. If you read elsewhere, I have a bad back due to injury. So I work at home. I work and play on the computer. I’m currently investigating something called “Total Disc Replacement” surgery which should allow me to regain a lot more of my ability to do outdoor activity but until then, I stay in most of the time. I take walks a few times a night and do other activities to stay strong. My arms and legs are tight, no flab here. So can I say that I like to go out, and I like to stay in? We all can.

5 – Profile available in languages you do not speak.

This is a new phenomenon, and is particular to this site. Why would you have your profile translated into a language you do not speak or write? There is no point to this, other than to make yourself APPEAR worldlier than you are. What would you do if you were contacted by someone who only spoke/read that other language Cyrano?

6 – Writing virtually nothing.

I can understand if you just signed up. . .  today. But writing nothing, or saying “I’ll fill this out later” just makes you look, again, lazy or pretentious. If you HONESTLY can think of nothing better to say, by all means, leave it that way so that I can steer clear of you.

7 – Using no formatting.

This is not a spelling and grammar issue, we’ll come to that; this is about formatting. Good writing, especially advertising ( and really, this IS advertising ), counts on a certain aesthetic about the written words. One huge unbroken block of text, with no carriage returns, or even sentence breaks is highly irritating, and speaks again to laziness or ignorance.

Space your words out, draw attention to your thoughts.

See what I mean?

I usually won’t read what we call a “Wall of Text”.

8 – Spelling and Grammar.

You all knew it was coming! Not much needs to be said here, so I’m not going to beat this to death. If you struggle a bit with the finer points of grammar, that’s ok. Also, SOME clemency is offered for the social conventions of “netspeak”, and there is a certain expectation of informality to the grammatical conventions and structure used on a dating site, ( such as overuse of commas, parenthetical, incomplete sentences, etc – all of which are used in this very post ) but really, at least look over your own words. I won’t offer specific examples, as that may be seen as harassment, but I have seen many a profile look as though it was written by a second grader, and not a very bright one at that. If that’s really the best you’ve got, leave it like that, I’ll know to stay away from you too.

I’ll know in a heartbeat if you can spell and form coherent thoughts on your own once we start messaging, so having someone else write your profile so that you appear better educated or more intelligent is a ruse that will fail.

I’m not saying that the grammar of an online profile, or even this posting itself, must pass the strict standards of what we call “Proper English”, but it should be coherent, sensibly written, and contain no obvious spelling errors.

What I’m doing with my life

1 – “Nothing” or “I don’t know”

Ok, you’re quite the bore aren’t you? Thanks for warning us.

3 – List forms.

I’ll grant that a list is better served here, but try to think of a way to really tell us about it. Even if briefly. Are you going to school? Ok, what for? Do you live with your parents while your brother is off in the army? Sounds interesting. Are you worried about him? How does that make you feel? You’re helping your best friend open a restaurant? Neat. When can I come by?

The first things people usually notice about me

1 – “My eyes, my hair, my boobs”

Yeah, ok. You and every other girl in existence? What about your personality? Do you wear bright clothes? Are you always jumping up and down? Do you sing to strangers? Fine, what ABOUT your eyes? My eyes are a rare Gold Hazel, and are extremely photosensitive. Pretty much every girl I have ever met, if she gets the chance to see my eyes, just gawks for several moments and says I have the prettiest eyes ever. It’s not the FIRST thing you’ll notice about me because I protect them behind some pretty serious sunglasses, but I just gave you a description of them. Now you know.

Hair? Ok, what ABOUT your hair? Is it long, wavy, with three different shades of blond? Is it incredibly bouncy? Does it shine? Is it missing? Why is it noticeable?

I’ll decline to commentate on the last one.

2 – “I’m short” or “I’m really tall”

You’re short? Awesome. I love short girls, but you see that box on the right that says “height”? Already got that info. If it says you’re “5’0”, I’m pretty sure I already know that people are looking over your head when you talk. Does it say you’re “6’2”? I already know you have a hard time finding a guy you don’t tower over in 4” heels. I feel for you, I really do, but this is pointing out the obvious.

3 – Stating an aspect of your personality or your effect on people which is NOT part of your first impression.

This is an easy slip up; so try not to talk about something that is only apparent after we get to know you for a while. If your humor is dark and witty, or if you make people feel good about themselves, that’s wonderful, and I want to know that, but it’s not the FIRST thing I’m likely to notice about you.

For me, it’s always been either my carriage, or my long, dark hair ( which is occasionally cut very short ). If it’s cold, I used to wear an old fashioned trench coat and boots, and I walk with a large, gliding stride. This has a dramatic effect, and is hard to miss. Then the whole Columbine thing happened, and I had to abandon the look. That and it was too vampy. These days, the honestly first thing people are likely to notice about me is my sunglasses. I wear Wiley-X SG-1 goggles. They have foam inserts and are very dark, and I don’t automatically remove them until I am far from bright light sources. I also don’t naturally smile, so I tend to look more serious than I am feeling.

4 – “You have to ask them”

I can’t. Remember, I don’t know anyone you know, that’s why I’m meeting you through this site. Are you really so unaware of your effect on people that you cannot answer this question AT ALL? Very trite.

I’m really good at

1 – “Everything”

I hate this one the most. No, you are not. Not even I am good at everything and I am extremely multi-talented. This tells us nothing about you except that you are conceited beyond reproach. I will steer well clear of you.

2 – “Some list of things pretty much everyone is good at”

This could include reading, cooking, riding a bike, etc. Some people even list SLEEPING. Now, if you want to say that you can read in six languages, that’s impressive. Can you cook a meal for six that includes vegetarian for just one of those people? I can, and I’ll tell you about it. Be specific.

3 – Listing a physical attribute or something ABOUT you, rather than something you can DO.

This is an easy mix up; so try to watch this. You’re not “good at being cute”, you just ARE cute.

For my part, I used this section THIS TIME as a simple, cute way to express my modesty. My profile already contains numerous clues as to the various things I am good at. I don't need the redundancy.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

It’s hard to really go wrong here, because this is the section where you’re expected to be less freeform, and more lists oriented. That said, it’s always nice to see some commentary here instead of just a list.

The six things I could never do without

1 – Saying that you could never list only six things . . . and then listing nothing.

You’d be surprised how often I see this. The question is simple, and your answer says a lot about who you are and how you think. It’s really quite clever. Name six things you feel you could not do without.

Why bother telling us you have more than six things if you’re not going to tell us what they are? Want to know what I hear when I read this? “Lazy and spoiled”. Goodbye.

2 – “Air, water, food, etc”

Anything completely obvious and key to survival. Yeah, we get it. You’re not being clever. What are six things unique to YOU that you can’t do without? Could be anything.

I use this section to start off with some specific things that, while TRUE, I could TECHNICALLY survive without, and then I hit you with something really sweet.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

1 –“food”

I see this one a lot. Even from skinny girls. This is a complete lack of imagination, and is most likely not true. Even if it is, it’s not very telling.

2 – “Life”

Don’t we ALL?

I could list a dozen examples of single worded sections of obvious things we all think about. Try to be original. The funnier or more completely random, the better.

I try to stay away from thoughts which are too random or funny, because while it may provide a short term chuckle, it’s likely to give the wrong impression of who I am. I am not scatterbrained at all.

On a typical Friday night I am

1 – “There is no typical Friday night for me”

First, I don’t believe you. No one is THAT busy. No, sorry, you’re not. If you are, then SOMETHING about your busy lifestyle is a constant. Next, this harkens back to the “I’m either out, or I’m in” comments. You could say that your typical Friday night consists of either being out partying or whatever, or staying in watching a movie. In other words, THAT is the description of your typical Friday night.

A good way to do this section is to add a variable. “If I have the kids; I . . . “. “If it’s football season . . . “. “If . . . anything”. If there is no major variable, what is it that you do?

Me?  I’m home, on the computer. Even then my section tells you a bit about WHAT I am doing on the computer. Otherwise, you might assume I’m doing nothing but browsing this site, and isn’t that just a little sad? Remember when I said I’m multi-talented? I’m also an almost pathological multi-tasker. I am always doing well more than one thing. If I’m on the computer, I demand my computer be doing a number of things at once as well. As I write this list, I’m downloading some patches in the background, and on the right side of my monitor I’m watching a TV show. Typically I may also have my two World of Warcraft accounts running behind Word, and I might check in on them now and again. As an MMO designer and gaming writer, I feel zero embarrassment in admitting to playing WoW. I’m not like the typical WoW player. I can do something ELSE : )

I don’t do bars, so you won’t find me there. I might be at a park at night, if there is a nice park or lake near me. I usually reserve such activities for company however. When alone, I’m usually right here.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

1 – “That’s private” or “I’m not going to tell you”

Anything along these lines shows a CLEAR lack of basic understanding of the question. It is not asking you to spill the beans on the MOST private thing ABOUT you. It wants to know the most private thing THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO ADMIT. Willing . . . that’s the key word. I see this SO many times. In fact, it’s the number one key factor I use in determining intellect and reading comprehension and older women are far guiltier of this than younger women.

I myself use this section to admit to something not readily apparent and expose a vulnerability one wouldn’t normally find attractive. It shows that I’m confident enough in who I am that I can tell you anything about me, and you’ll still like me. You’re going to find out soon enough anyway.

You should message me if

1 – “You want”

This one just makes me want to pull my hair out. I hate this one with a burning passion. This is the laziest, most unimaginative answer of them all. It’s also extremely common.

2 – “You think we have something in common”

Why would I message you if we had NOTHING in common? How would that be possible? I breathe, eat food, and sleep. Do you? Wow. Let’s get married, because we’re obviously so alike. This is another lazy, obvious statement.

This is a good time to really put it out there if you have some specific deal breakers. “You’re over 6’, have a masters in something, and drive a truck”. Ok, now I know.

I steer clear of being too limiting here myself. It’s true that if I made you laugh you should write to me. That’s true even if you’re a guy. Think I’m funny and want to be friends? Let’s talk. If you’re a girl and you’re intrigued, but you’re not my type? Write me, you never know. I have not, anywhere in my profile, described to the tee my ideal girl. I do actually have an image of her, but that’s very limiting, and not productive. That last bit is some unexpected humor in the form of a thinly veiled pop culture reference ( which you will find many examples of in my writing ).

Conclusion

So there you go, the top 25 profile clichés that I have noticed. Am I guilty of some of these sometimes? Sure, maybe. Do I take steps to correct it? You bet. My own profile will be going under the knife again in the coming days, so the few of this list I am guilty of will be disappearing. I give you LOTS of useful information about me. My various journal posts were designed for that purpose. On that note, try not to use your journal as an excuse to post 50 different random one liners. That’s really lame.

As with many of my posts, I anticipate getting flamed for this, so I’m going to set approval only on comments. All non-offense, constructive comments will be approved.

Hopefully this information helps you improve your profile, and give us a better look at WHO you ARE, not just what you look like, which is a dubious at best measure of your actual, in person appearance. I’ve noticed, in all the years that I have met girls online, that almost every single time I met a girl in person, she was WAY more attractive and beautiful than her pictures belied, and we’re talking about some very beautiful girls too. Bottom line? Don’t rely on the pictures to sell it.

Thank you and until next time!